We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
