Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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