I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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