I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
