Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
