you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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