it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
