I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize