I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
