You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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