don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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