It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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