so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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