i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
