Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
