I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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