I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
