she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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