I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
