I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
