the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
