The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
