PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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