one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
