Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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