I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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