In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think my fart just growled at me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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