I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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