i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
