If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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