OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A bitchslap is in order.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
