She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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