dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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