I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
