I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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