If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i drank out of a bidet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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