dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
