The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
