I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
