the condom got lost in my hair
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
