Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Randomize
