Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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