So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
