apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
