who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
