Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
