her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
