My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
