I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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