everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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