i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
