Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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