I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
