I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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