Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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