They should really pass out barf bags in church
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I believe in your delicious
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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